A letter to say goodbye to Anorexia, written by one brave young woman at NZEDC. So proud of your courage.
“How am I supposed to say goodbye to you? This isn’t going to be an easy letter to write – I don’t know what to say. You’ve protected me and destroyed me at the same time. Hurt me as much as you loved me. Isolated me as much as you freed me. I wonder if I’ll miss you; maybe in the beginning but with time I will learn to love but not feel loss. You’re a huge part of my life, how am I supposed to say goodbye? This is so hard. You’ve kept me save but it’s costing my life. I’ve lost so many friendships and almost lost my relationship because of you. You’ve stopped me from living out my dreams, from being normal. How I wish I was just normal. I shold be at university right now but you’ve held me back. You can’t hold me back any longer. I won’t allow it. I need to go to university so I have to say goodbye. You’ve left me with the only option of sitting along inside all day everyday with nothing but you and food to keep me company and it’s not like you two get along. You’ve caused extra stress and worry on my entire family, nearly costing my Dad his job.
Saying goodbye to you leaves me open and vulnerable. How else will I be able to hide from my problems and pretend like everything is okay? How else will I feel in control when life is out of control? But it’s time to let you go. I will find new and healthier ways to deal with what life brings because living with you I can’t win. I keep you for control but what control do I have? None. I keep you so that I’m safe but you’re actually doing the most harm. I keep you because you help me cope with my problems but am I coping? Clearly not. I keep you so I’m not alone but you’ve completely isolated me from everyone. It’s a lose-lose situation and that’s why I need to say goodbye for good.
It’s time to be healthy. It’s time to take care of myself because I deserve that care no matter how much you tell me I don’t. It’s time to stop thinking and start doing. It’s time to start taking risks and do things that scare me. It’s time to be okay with not knowing the outcome. It’s time to take control and face my fears, face my future.
This won’t be as easy as saying goodbye. It will be hard and I will struggle but that’s okay. I need to know that that is okay and that I have the strength I need to fight this, fight you. Maybe I’ll regret this, but in those moments I will reread this letter and remember my strength. “